Ah money and marriage. I’ve started this series on how you can improve the different areas of your life and thus greatly improve your finances. And today’s topic is marriage. I know this can be a tricky one. They say the leading cause of divorce is money, and in a nation where 50% of all marriages end in divorce, that means there are a lot of money problems in marriages! But here at iMoneyCoach I’ve learned that it’s really never about the money itself, but rather it’s something else that needs to be fixed.

A good example:

Bob and Betty decided that maybe it would be a good time to look for a new home. They searched and searched but didn’t really see anything that suited them. Honestly, Bob would rather stay where they were and didn’t want to even think about packing and moving. But Betty wanted something new, something better. They started arguing, and finally Bob gave in…sort of. He firmly stated that they could revisit buying a new home but that they needed to stay where they were for 2 more years. Betty said that would be ok but only if in the meantime Bob agreed to extensive renovations on their current home, including re-finishing the kitchen, adding a bathroom, and doing some remodeling in the basement. This was Betty’s way of asserting control. She had some say in the situation. And Bob thought he was compromising. But they would be setting themselves up to spend nearly $80,000 on a home they weren’t even going to be living in after 2 years! They could save up and set that money aside for a down payment on a new home and end up getting a much better home than if they spent it on their current place. It took some work, but once Bob and Betty realized how their relationship was impacting their finances and how they were working (or not working) with each other, they made changes that are making them much happier in the end.

Here are some simple things you can do to strengthen your marriage. Try them out and see how they can help your finances:

  • Remember, you are on the same team. Marriage isn’t a battle. It’s a partnership. You chose to do life together, and what an awesome thing it is to have a teammate to help you through the hard times and celebrate with you in the good times! Just as if you were on a team playing a soccer game, you wouldn’t stand in front of your teammate or kick the ball away from them! Sometimes you need to pass the ball to them, or you need to shout some encouragement their way, or you can help get obstacles out of their way – and they can do that for you too. Remembering that you are on the same side can help you avoid conflict and come to resolutions a little easier.
  • Active listening. You may need to work on listening to your spouse more. But there are many of you who think you are listening, and you still end up arguing for hours over something, and your spouse says “You aren’t listening to me!” We often work with clients to work on active listening, that is, making sure you hear what they are actually saying. This could mean repeating back what you think you heard or writing down what the other person is saying so you can both look at it and make sure you both know what is being said. It may feel weird to repeat things or to sit across from each other with a pen and paper, but it can make a huge difference and save a lot of time arguing over misunderstandings.
  • Create a mission statement and goals together. Sit down together to write up a list of goals or a mission statement. When situations arise you can refer back to that list and decide together if something is going to get you closer to or push you away from your goals. Do remember that we all change, and our goals will change with time. So make sure you schedule time together to revisit your goals often. As you meet goals, it will also give you motivation to keep working (and working together!).
  • Love and Respect. If you haven’t read Dr. Emerson E. Eggerichs’ book Love and Respect, I’d recommend you do so. Men are wired to need respect, and women are wired to need love. If we as husbands and wives can understand what our spouse needs and work to provide it, then our marriages will be much stronger. Often a wife may work very hard to be loving to her husband, but she doesn’t realize that what he really wants and needs is respect from her. It is amazing the misunderstandings and arguments that can be avoided in actively providing the love or respect that your spouse needs.

Our Financial Life Coaches work one on one with couples to figure out what is lacking and how they can strengthen their relationships so they can thrive and ultimately become financially successful. If you are able to avoid power struggles and instead work together, you can accomplish so much! If you would like more ideas on how to strengthen your marriage or would be interested in Financial Life Coaching, please check us out online or call us at 303-462-2001 today!

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